From extend@ix.netcom.com Thu May 29 21:13 GMT 1997 Received: from monet.mobil.com by laghp001.lag.mobil.com with ESMTP (1.37.109.16/16.2) id AA062783964; Thu, 29 May 1997 21:12:45 -0100 Return-Path: Received: from gallows.mobil.com (gallows.mobil.com [131.126.220.5]) by monet.mobil.com (Mobil-3/monet-3) with ESMTP id PAA20679 for ; Thu, 29 May 1997 15:07:36 -0500 From: extend@ix.netcom.com Received: by gallows.mobil.com; id PAA12834; Thu, 29 May 1997 15:23:58 -0500 (CDT) Received: from dfw-ix11.ix.netcom.com(206.214.98.11) by gallows.mobil.com via smap (3.2) id xma012805; Thu, 29 May 97 15:23:30 -0500 Received: (from smap@localhost) by dfw-ix11.ix.netcom.com (8.8.4/8.8.4) id PAA14870 for gxobrien@lag.mobil.com; Thu, 29 May 1997 15:03:18 -0500 (CDT) Date: Thu, 29 May 1997 15:03:18 -0500 (CDT) Received: from nor-la5-09.ix.netcom.com(204.31.237.169) by dfw-ix11.ix.netcom.com via smap (V1.3) id sma014833; Thu May 29 15:02:53 1997 To: gxobrien@laghp001.lag.mobil.com Message-Id: <19975291591356334@ix.netcom.com> Subject: Fwd: R Jokes #0018 X-Mailer: NETCOMplete v3.20, from NETCOM On-Line Communications, Inc. Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Status: RO Content-Length: 12538 ------Begin forward message------------------------- Return-Path: Received: from mtigwc03.worldnet.att.net (mailhost.worldnet.att.net [204.127.131.34]) by ixmail1.ix.netcom.com (8.7.5/SMI-4.1/Netcom) id WAA07706; Wed, 28 May 1997 22:14:29 -0700 (PDT) Received: from mark ([207.116.130.53]) by mtigwc03.worldnet.att.net (post.office MTA v2.0 0613 ) with SMTP id AAB21084; Thu, 29 May 1997 01:12:51 +0000 Message-Id: <3.0.1.32.19970528210830.0069959c@postoffice.worldnet.att.net> X-Sender: mgulko@postoffice.worldnet.att.net X-Mailer: Windows Eudora Pro Version 3.0.1 (32) Date: Wed, 28 May 1997 21:08:30 -0400 To: "The \"My aren't we a little frisky today\" joke list":;@usa.net From: Mark Gulko Subject: R Jokes #0018 Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/enriched; charset="us-ascii" EMERGENCY ROOM STORIES... Just a few stories from our nations Emergency Rooms to prove that fact is stranger than fiction. - A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode. - A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina. Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby. - A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on. During the search one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean) The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance. - A woman with shortness on breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch". - A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!" - An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the fo reskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!" - An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines in my virginny" (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vag inal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it. - The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint. - A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room. Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?" Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there." Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?" Patient: "No. Who?" - A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it .. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty- five minutes ago!" - A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doc tor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've been screwing the dog?" - A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. I went to the bathroom and "gagged" myself to vomit but couldn't vom it it up either." **************************************************************************** **** Sick and tired of their history professor's lewd jokes and sexual innuendo, a group of girls decided that the nest time he uttered an inappropriate remark they would get up and leave in protest. However, overhearing their plan and looking to score some p oints with the teacher, a fellow student informed him of their scheme. The next day, after chatting about current events for a few minutes, the teacher suddenly smiled and, making a clever segue, said, "You know, I hear there's a shortage of whores in Paris -------" Exchanging resolute looks, the girls rose as one and started to leave the room. Following them with innocent eyes, the professor said, "Girls, where are you going? The next plane doesn't leave until tonight." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The call came into the firehouse just as the crew had sat down to dinner. "Quick!" said the caller, "you've got to come to 10 Cherry Lane! There's a fire in my basement!" "Did you try throwing water on it?" inquired the fire fighter. "Of course I did!" The fire fighter replies, "Then there's no reason for us to come. That's all we do." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well, there was this old couple who had been married for fifty years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentlemen said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for fifty years!" "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago today we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "we were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly said, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised!" replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other one's in your oatmeal!" **************************************************************************** * BED GOLF Rules Of Play 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls. 2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole. 6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again. 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case. 10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course under monthly maintenance. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. 11. Players should ensure their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irrate if they discover someone else is playing on what they considered a private cour se.. 12. The owner of the course is responsbile for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole. 13. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside. 14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request. 15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. _____________________________________________________________ With yet another young man in her life Elizabeth Taylor decided that in her advancing years she needed to tighten up her vaginal area. She put her trust in her plastic surgeon of 30 years standing, the one who had carried out her face-lifts, boob jobs and ass-lifts. Sworn to secrecy, he agreed that no-one but him would ever know. He carried out the delicate operation, carefully slicing away strips of the loose folds of skin. It is a long operation! Liz awakes the next morning to see 3 "get well soon" cards on her bedside table. She is appalled and demands to see the doctor. "No-one but you should know about this! You have let me down",she says. "Ah" says the doc,"this card is from my wife and I wishing you a speedy recovery." "How nice ", says Liz."Thank you - what a nice thought." "The second card is from old Madge the cleaner who has cleaned up after all your previous operations - she is to be trusted." "What a beautiful thought , from such a humble person -I'm really touched",says Liz. "But who is the 3rd card from?" asks Liz. "Oh", says the doctor, "that's from Nikki Lauda -- thanking you for his new ears!!!" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Mark Gulko e-mail: mgulko@usa.net "If you build a better mouse trap, you may have problems while running Windows." -- Mark Gulko, 1997 Note: Any opinions expressed are not mine, and they are not my dog's. They just are. Visit my Web site in progress at: http://www.concentric.net/~mgulko Remember ... you may UNSUBSCRIBE at any time simply by sending e-mail to me with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject. PLEASE ... tell me which you list you subscribed to. Your friends can join the joke list by sending e-mail with the word SUBSCRIBE as the subject. Options will be forwarded. Recipients are asked to forward material to me and from me complete with appropriate copyright information. ------End forward message---------------------------